Wednesday, May 31, 2006


There Are Few Shows that transport you into another brilliant world like Everwood does. I am a big fan, love the actors, the writers... the set!! (Of course!! I'm a Utahn) But I have never watched a show, and begged in silent prayer that the episode never end. I am so touched by the cast, the stories, the heart and warmth Everwood portrays. Humor, real life, real irony mixed with beautiful scenery; sometimes I can't believe that this is just a story, and that they are only actors.
It is the Series Finale this Monday. I am heartbroken that this show will not go on forever.
I will really miss this show. I will be buying the season DVD's and will watch them as often as I need an escape, when I want to be touched emotionally, when I want a good cry.
Here are some quotes from the show:

Dear Valentine
by Dr. Andrew Brown
Dear Valentine, come away with me. If I had a day with you and you only, I would enjoy the simple things. The things that bring joy to the drudgery and the mundane, the things that, in the end, when time steals the rest away, are the only things we'll remember. I would paddle you across a still lake in a rowboat and read poetry to you until you fell asleep, and I would never ever think about the hours. Dear Valentine, if I had one day with you and you only, I would admire every line of your face, every strand of your hair, every graceful movement of your hands or your eyes or your body. If I had one perfect day. Don't you see, my heart beats only for you? Dear Valentine, these are the things I remember, my love... A warm hand, your warm breath, your warm mouth, your arms around mine. I remember feeling safe, ceaseless, like one person, the two of us, still, at rest, entwined. I remember how I felt the first time I kissed you. It felt like... the high dive. What do you remember? How will I ever know what was inside your heart? Where do they go, all the things we think and feel but don't say? Dear Valentine, these are the things I never told you, these are the things I need you to know... that I loved you always, and my love was so big, it lives still after you're gone. I'd like to tell you that I would do it differently, that if I had one more day I would do everything right. But I know that not to be true. I'd make all the same mistakes. That is, except one... I wouldn't say good-bye.

My Tragic Flaw
by Ephram Brown
The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change. I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... It feels better somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be waiting out there. Chances are it could be even worse. So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone... Except maybe yourself a little. When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really, really close. Which, thank God, they never do. But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever... that you'll never have to change again.

Princeton Essay, Written By Ephram
Tell us about yourself in such a way that we will have a good sense of who you are; 500 words.
I wish you would've asked me that two years ago. I could've told you exactly who I was, who I'd be. Two years ago I knew it all and the thing is, I was right. Plans are like candy to the Fates. The only thing you could ever be sure of is nothing ever goes the way you imagined. I should probably be used to that by now. The thing is you can never tell when everything you counted on might fall apart – no matter how solid the rock. Rocks break. Everything changes, even when you think you’re sure, especially. To be fair, if I was one of the Fates looking down at the best laid plans of dumb little people, I'd probably see mine and want to mess with them too. You want to know about me in 500 words? I get scared sometimes and disappointed. I have doubts and I love getting my way. I don’t like change, but I know it's good for me and inevitable so I welcome it as best I can. There’s a poem by Johann Franck that says it better than I will. "Defy the old dragon, defy fear. The world may rage and quake but I shall remain singing in perfect peace." Yeah, things happen – things you don’t expect – or want or like. The world rages and you become someone you didn’t know you’d ever be. And there you are, in your clothes, in your life, this is my future, this is me. This is me and I want things I never thought I would. I want the possibilities a school like Princeton can afford. A place to grow, meet new people. A place to be surprised when life turns out to be nothing like I imagined. You have to be grateful for it – in perfect peace.

My Dearest Ephram, Written By his Mother
This letter from Julia to her son was written on the inside cover of the book that would serve as Ephram's graduation gift. The book was called "Oh, The Places You'll Go!" and was written by Dr. Suess. The episode goes by the same name.
My Dearest Ephram, I've been sitting in our kitchen for the last half hour simply imagining you. Wondering what you must be thinking right now. What you must be feeling. How handsome you must look in your cap and gown. If you're thinking about me...stop. Send a kiss to the sky, and then focus your thoughts on what's coming towards you, not what you left behind. I am forever entwined in your past, your present, and your future. You needn't pause to look for me. I'm right here. If you're feeling frightened about what comes next...don't. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness, don't waste time with regret. Spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes, because you'll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up, and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart...where your hope lives. You'll find your way again. Love, Mom

Thursday, May 11, 2006

What if Cars Ran on Kool-aid?

I am wondering if the envoirnmentalists have forgotten who the dominant species is on this planet? Is it the Caribou or is it we Humans? Trying to protect Alaska, and Canada and it's vast snowy nothingness is silly when we as a human race are at odds over fuel pipelines in hostile countries. All of this is happening when we have more than enough fuel for our own needs for 100's of years right under our own feet. It is said that Utah alone has enough oil shale to provide fuel for an estimated 30 years for the whole US of A. HELLO?!?!? Get off your propoganda and your self serving polotics and think about your fellow human beings and our needs as a society. Do we need war and terrorism to try bargain with evil dictators? Is that good for us as a human race? Hello? Nuclear missles? Is that better for us? Or is it better to relocate and providing care for some displaced deer so we can continue as a society, not end abruptly as a nuked hole in the ground.
The following is an exerpt from an article I found in The Week , called "Gas Prices: Is Congress Stupid?"
"All of us better wise up, said Thomas Friedman in The New Yourk Times. "The recent price spike is just a symptom of our dangerous dependeny on foreign oil, and the cure isn't shaving a quarter or so off the per-gallon price. Through our national fleet of gas guzzlers, Americans are sending tens of billions of dollars to Islamic states every year. That's right: We are financing both sides in the War on Terrorism." Other "petro-authoritarian" countries- including Iran, Venezuela, Nigeria, Russia, and Sudan- are using oil money to bolster their repressive regimes, and blackmail any nation that dares object. At the same time, China's and India's booming economies are ratcheting up world-wide demand- and prices-for oil. This energy crisis, unlike the short-lived gas shortages of the 1970's, isn't going away on its own. Yet the Bush administration sails blithely on, "refusing to ask the American people to do anything hard to put American on a dfferent energy course."
"So bring on the high prices, said James Klurfeld in Newsday. "Only when Americans feel real pain for what they pay for gas will this country take energy conservation seriously, and devote serious resources to developing ethanol, hydrogen, and other alternative energies. "There are no easy answers, and no quick answers, " said Jay Bookman in the Atlanta Journal-Copnstitustion. "But it's no accident that the major challenges confronting this coutry- from global warming to soaring oil prices to our military predicaments in Iran and Iraq- all have oil and energy as their common element." How we respond to those challenges will define the 21st century.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Talk Show Hostest with the Mostest

I used to be a closet Dr. Laura Fan. Well No MORE!! I am out of the closet and here to tell you that she is just brilliant. I love that she speaks her mind and doesn't let people get away with crap. She HAS to be "harsh" to get her point across to people in need; in such a little time frame. She doesn't like or accept Psyco-babble. She has no sympathy for pathetic excuses. She makes me want to stand up for what I believe in as well. She makes me a better person each time I listen to her. She is conservative, pro-stay-at-home-mom, pro-life, pro-military, pro-values!
Hating Dr. Laura (An Appreciative Essay)
Hating Dr. Laura is a prerequisite for Americans shaped by the country's me-first culture. For them, kicking around the popular radio host is almost as much fun as abusing the President. But what exactly do they hate? First, they hate the way Dr. Laura holds people responsible for their own choices-even ones made when they were young and stupid. Especially irksome is that irritating observation frequently put to disgruntled wives: "You picked him." They hate the way the nation's designated nag rejects convenient "I don't know" answers and expects callers to face up to facts they'd rather forget. They hate it when she downplays the importance of feelings and places moral obligation on a higher plain than emotion. They hate it when Dr. Laura makes people feel bad about doing bad things. They hate it when she turns the expectations table and asks dissatisfied callers, "How would you like to come home to you every day?"-a query inevitably followed by an extended period of silence. They hate it when the daily dispenser of hardcore compassion responds to "It's so hard" whiners with the callous retort, "So what?" They hate her for destroying the illusion that there's an easy way to do difficult things-for not pretending that a pill or a slick technique can undo messes and avoid hurt feelings. They hate the fact that Dr. Laura uses the term "shack-up" for relationships where couples don't pledge to stay together "in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live"-as if their unwillingness to publicly express their commitment to each other implies a lack of commitment. They hate it when the impertinent shrinklette says, "At least a prostitute gets paid!" They hate the fact that Dr. Laura puts the lives of children above the sex lives of adults-and that she has the temerity to suggest staying together for the sake of the kids. They hate it when she looks at custody arrangements through the eyes of children and asks parents to imagine how their offspring feel about being shuffled back and forth and "crammed"-not "blended"-into his, hers, and ours families. They hate that Dr. Laura dismisses the adult-centered excuse, "Kids adapt," and has the gall to say that mothers who don't want to raise their children shouldn't have them. They especially hate it when she condenses current legal reasoning on the subject of abortion into a simple, morally indefensible proposition: "If she wants it, it's a baby. If she doesn't, it's not." They hate when she says "Hoooah"-as if soldiers make the world a better place. And they hate it when she says, "Do the right thing,"-as if most actions aren't gloriously gray. Most of all they hate it when, having turned off the radio in disgust, a barely perceptible but persistent voice keeps whispering in their ears: "You know, don't you, that what Dr. Laura just said, is right?"

Tuesday, May 9, 2006

A Prescription for Happiness

I am a full supporter of individuals with true problems in this arena; depression, ADD, anxiety & OCD. I have experience with many very close friends and family members who are affected by one or more of these. I wonder though, if Doctors have been taken advantage of? Is medication at all necessicary for those who are just seeking comfort from this difficult world. These medications are a last resort after all other options have been exausted; not a quick fix for common hardship.
"Every day unhappiness is not a disease. Yet modern medicine now treats it as one. The same drugs designed to relieve major clinical depression are now being prescribed for people who simply complain of dissatisfaction with their lives. One recent study found that two out of three people reporting mild depression to thier doctors are now taking Prozac, Zoloft, or one of the other common antideprewssants. And it's no longer just psychiatrists who are handing out these happiness pills like candy; Primary care doctor are writing 75 percent of the prescriptions for antidepressants, most of them, presumably to patients who do not need psychiatric care. No suprise, then, that the number of people taking thest drugs has doubled since 1998.
"This quiet revolution suggests an entirely new wiew of the human condition, in which happiness is supposted to be a permanant condition, instead of a scarce, transitory, and hard-won victory in a difficult world."
The Philadeolpia Inquirer

Sunday, May 7, 2006

Impatient Crow's Feet

A hard thing for me to accept is, as always, my impatience with my son Nathans' lack of focus.
I'm normally very patient, especially with my sensitive guy with the heart big as all tarnation. But with this one thing this repitition, nagging, begging on my part to get him to focus!!!!..... it triggers a particular undesireable response in me and this begats a kind of guilty implicatedness. This fact of his predictable non-focusing suggests to me that I'm just too irritable. Which makes me more irritable.
While I wait "patiently" for him to finish his 40-55 minute shower, or the 5th time I've asked him to brush his teeth, or where the heck, for the Bazillionth time, he has he stashed his glasses?!?!?; I find exasperatingly myself rolling my eyes to no one imparticular, (He Hum) I noticed the scowl lines between my eyebrows — more screeching tarodactyl tallons than crow's feet — and I was filled with a longing to change.

Saturday, May 6, 2006


I just had a conversation with a new friend of mine, she was telling the real reason her hubby hasn't agreed to go out with us yet; was because her hubby is shy , and is less than enthusiastic about going out. period. He just wants to spend time alone with her. I'm not hurt, like she may assume, because I totally get that.
This reminds me of a time when this was the norm for Kevin and I as well. For the first 5 years of our marriage he didn't really want to socialize with others. I thought he was just shy, which he was a bit, but I also think it was because we were enjoying quite a long honeymoon period :) But to be honest we felt like we didn't NEED any others around. We entertained ourselves quite nicely and didn't find we were missing anything. But after some time and a lot of convincing, (I mean it IS healthy to interact with others) we started having couples over and found we liked the new experience after all. Even if we REALLY didn't want to at first, we tried it, and in the end we had a great time and wanted to do go out again. Now, we STILL like to be hermit-ish quite often, but we are much more likely now to invite others into our little lives. Be it over for dinner, games, out to a show, or out for a walk. It's nice to share our lives and see what we have in common with others. Kevin actually looks forward to having other friends to interact with, and suggests dates and activities and askes me to call others ( You're nuts if you thing HE would ever call all by his big-boy self :)
Kev said to me once that he realized he likes seeing me around other people. He forgets how fun and witty I can be in a crowd. AND it's nice to see that other people find me interesting and enjoy my company like he does, it makes him appreciate me even more when there are others around. It also gives us oppurtunity for improvement and for healthy comparisons... if we like how another couple behaves towards eachother, then we have good examples to help launch any improvements necessary to our situation, and the opposite is true (I hope I NEVER treat you like ...such and such) It's almost a check and balance system. And we get to have new experiences as a couple.
As a bonus: it increases our useless trivia knowledge and our skills in board gaming and charades teamwork!!
And just think, all of this comes about from one night of friends over!
And Now you're too intimidated to hang out with us :)
Okay, I tell you this only to share what I learned. We're not judgmental, just reflective.

Monday, May 1, 2006

Negativity + Isolation = Depression

Depression. Being down, being sad and upset. It's tricky. Especially when someone you love is under it's spell. It is like a spell, because, it seems that no matter you do, you cannot break from it's clutches.
Things are good with us. Or were... It's amazing how, when you're partner is not sharing your attitude; you are alienated from them. Or will unknowingly drag you down into their vortex of doom and gloom if you're not careful. It's difficult to be sensitive to their mood and careful of your own at the same time.
It just seems like out of nowhere: Hubby's irrationally upset. Certian things will happen to either start this cycle and/or continue it. That is; low. or no money. ... could be....well.... Actually, it does all come down to that one thing. So many things revolve around money. Things you want. Things you cant get right now. Success. Fun; fun costs money.
Well, dangit if we aren't in the best darned position we can be in right now; financially, I mean.... Kevin is going to school full time (totally exciting!!) , I only have to work 4 days a week (Yea!), we have 2 working cars, 2 wonderful sweet boys who are either with one of us or with my mom at all times while we work (Thank goodness!), we're in a beautiful home (It has EVERYTHING we need)... We have a GREAT relationship, I am SO happy with us, we're best friends, we have a great time together. I mean, what else can two individuals ask for?
Of course, while depressed one hubby will see all those things another way and say, "Well, we're over 30 (barely) , Neither of us has a degree, Neither of us is making good money, Both of us have to work, and we have 2 kids that have (This or that issue ) and don't have their mom at home all the time, we have 2 cars that will break down any minute now, and we don't own our own home. "
Geez. It's amazing how a doom and gloom perspective can ruin all my favorite blessings. When he's like this, he will isolate himself, and I lose my best friend. And my husband. Then I'M all alone. I have NO idea how to pull him out of this. I never have. I can help ANYONE else out of their sad place. (I'm an excellent listener, and when asked, I give, careful, insightful and reflective advice) But not for my own husband. And, admitidly, that makes ME depressed. My real genuine concern is for him. I am fine. I just want him happy again. I know he will be soon, but how do I make this happen for him?
Is this the difference between a positive glass is half-full person vs. a "negitive" person, or is it just comparing one depressed person to one whom is not?
He is mine. My rock when I need him. Always giving me love and support and help whenever I need it. He completes me. Rational when I am not. Calm when I am upset. And usually this is switched when he needs me to calm him. But not for this. Never for this. I want to pull him out of this isolated place, and fix it all for him. And the fact that I cannot ..... is, well, devistating to me.