Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Toddler Woes

Well, we've all been there right? Moms? Babysitters? You have been there....tell me you've been there!?!?
This 23 month old of mine has me at the end of my sanity strings.
Example of my day yesterday with Cameron, my disclaimer is that I am a good mom, and an attentive one. I was only doing dishes or cleaning up some nasty thing after Cameron when I was less than 20 feet away while these following events occured.....
He took a carpet staple right out of the carpet and purposely stabbed my mother repeatedly in the shoulder with it and said...."Ouch?"
EVERY time I fed him today he threw his utinsils on the floor. He rubbed cheese in his hair (not 3 minutes after his bath) and dumped a whole bowl of fruit loops down his front. And laughed at me. I got him out of his highchair and he proceded to take not one but two consecutive handfulls of dog food and throw them across the floor as well.
He got into my pens and tore caps off, threw the caps across the room in several different directions and wrote on himself and the closet door. - Where was I you say? I was cleaning up the previous mess.
Then as I proceed to damage control on this new adventure of his, he ventures on to the computer desk, where he climbed up on the chair, then the desk, then he found a capsule of antibiotic which I had carefully hidden. He pulled that sucker right apart and a dusting of medicine went everywhere, in the keyboard, on my desk, in the paperclips. Everywhere!!
He later pulled all the DVD's he could reach down off the shelf and attempted to open each one in in turn and take the disks out.
As I collapsed on my bed from sheer exaustion; He came in to check on me from innocently playing with his toys in the hallway, with my husbands hand razor scraping acrossed his face in the said motion. I am very suprised this didn't end in an ER visit.
Can I just say that this all happened after I got home from a long day at work. And I gave him a 30 minute bath to pass the time until the blessed bedtime ritual.

Thursday, July 27, 2006


Sometimes, it is almost beyond my comprehension why things happen, good or bad. Other times, I am completly confident in not needing to know why, and trusting that God has everything under control and there is no need to wonder or worry. It is; "Meant. To. Be."
"Everybody Loves Raymond," anyone?
In thinking about the new upcoming job of mine. I've gone through tons of emotions. Fear. Excitement. Panic. all causing me to question my worthiness of such an adventure. And I realized something today. That this is the epidimy of all of my hard work. All the years of the crappy jobs, with crappy hours and crappy bosses, have brought me to this point. This amazing place that I think....think, but am swaying to... know now, I have earned. I am here, and it's okay. I am worthy.
For awhile there, I didn't think I was, but I have come around, after listing all of my abilities, and experience in my head, and reconfirming with friends and family; I AM ready. Amazing how that works. The person I interviewed with for this job made the same decision and hired me.....DUH.
And now I am the crappy boss.
Evil laughter.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

ILLEGAL Immigration explaination

A lady wrote the best letter I have seen in the Editorials in ages!! It explains things better than all the stuff you hear on TV. --------------
"Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration. Certain people are angry that the U.S. might try to protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely. Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests.
Let's say I break into your house. Let's say that when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave But I say, "I've made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors; I've done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hard-working and honest (except for when I broke into your house)."
According to the protesters, not only must you let me stay, you must add me to your family's insurance plan and provide other benefits to me and to my family (my husband will do your yard work because he too is hard-working and honest, except for that breaking in part).
If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my right to be there. It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself.
I'm hard-working and honest ... um, except for .. well, you know.
And what a deal it is for me!! I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of selfishness, prejudice and being anti-housebreaker. Did I miss anything?
Does this sound reasonable to you? If it does, grab a sign and go picket something. If this sounds insane to you, call your senators and enlighten them because they are stumbling in the darkness right now and really need your help." Linda Myers April 10, 2006 - New-Sentinel

Saturday, July 15, 2006

I gotta new job!

This is new, and unexpected.
I almost didn't go to the interview...I thought it might be nice to see if my skills were still marketable or not. The interview went beautifully, it lasted about an hour, she had all sorts of questions for me, my answers seemed to please her, one after another, she just lit up at after every one. She and I had a great connection, seemed to understand eachother and the struggles at a place like this.
I will be the Non-Clinical Coordinator for a large healthcare facility.
The clinic has offices for 12 FP docs, 2 OBGYN's, 1 Pediatric doc and mulitple part time specilaists, an after hours Instacare, an Urgent Kids Care, Lab and Radiological Services, and a Pharmacy.
I'll be incharge of hiring, training and managing the front desk/billing/Medical Records and Call Center clinic staff. I'm the liason between the doctors and their staffing needs. My other duties will be payroll and doc schedules. all of the reception, dictation, billing, coding, patient needs... About 40 employees are "mine". Also, I'll be managing budget reports, supplies ordering, computer support, and presentation of the clinic.
I'm so excited. It's a Monday thru Friday job. 7-3. I'll be home for my 10 year old now nights, weekends, and holidays. The baby will be watched by my neighbor (whom I love) and only for 3 days a week, 5 hours or so, and he'll sleep for 3-4 hours of that.
Hubby will be off two days during the week for the baby, because he works all weekends again. Bless him.
I think life at home will be much less stressful for everyone with me there instead of my swing shift job, when everyone else is home. Working nights and weekends kept me home with the baby, but everyone else never saw me and it got crazy.
It's funny, your best intentions don't always work out like you'd hope. Turns out my 10 year old needs me more that I thought. I thought working at nights would solve all our problems. Well, it just created more. MAN!! Live and Learn.
Whoo-hoo! I feel Happy!!

The Darndest Things

Last night, in the middle of the Fourth of July fire works, Birdy craned her head around to tell us something. "What?" we yelled. "What?" It was impossible to hear. Backward-shooting stars were exploding in the sky into balls of glittering rainbow, and the noise was deafening. "I said" — Birdy was yelling now — "I don't really like to eat rotten food." Indeed.
I keep waiting for the part where the inadvertent comedy wears off — when we stop laughing, every day, about the absurdly hilarious things the kids do or say. I know it will be different with, say, teenagers. "Mom, I dented your Subaru," just isn't that funny. Although I actually just pictured Ben saying it and it was kind of comical. But tell me: Does it stop being funny?
Then there was the morning last week when we were driving into town, Ben pointing out the various trucks on the road in his sweet/pedantic way. As we were passing a Drake's truck: "There's a pastry truck, Birdy! It sells pastries." A Lay's truck: "There's a chips truck, Birdy! It sells chips. Oh — and there's a tow truck!" A long pause, then an earnest Birdy: "Does it sell toes?"
The thing is, I am forever snapping at my kids, and am always exasperated. I come after them in my awful, neurotic way with wet washcloths and hand sanitizer and sunscreen and bug spray and I ruin their lives. I nag them to finish their milk and brush their teeth and clean up the living room and be careful on the stairs and stop scratching my back with their revolting toenails. I wiggle teeth and dig out splinters and turn an appraising eye to their moles and scalps and infected bug bites and red throats. They are too loud and too wild and too whiny and too bickery and too hot to be crawling all over me like that. But still I can't get over the miracle of having them here.
There just aren't enough ways to tell these kids how much we love them.
Catherine Newman -Ben and Birdy -

Friday, June 9, 2006

Dalai Mama

As the Kabat-Zinns remind us, "Love is expressed in how we pass the bread, or how we say good morning, and not just in the big trip to Disney World." I am constantly reinventing myself -- my forever fledgling Zen self -- as one challenge gives way to another. There is no after the winter, I tell myself. There is no after the kids fighting about the sippy cup with the dolphins on it. There is no after the flu. "Forget somewhere over the rainbow," I imagine the Kabat-Zinns saying. This here is the pot of gold. This now.
When people say, "Kids are so Zen," this is what they mean: the way they appreciate every tiny miracle of the here and now. And, ironically, it's this very quality that tends to drive parents crazy, even wannabe Zen parents like me -- the way kids stop to play in the sand on the path even as you're trying to herd them to the beach itself. But where was I rushing to now?
In these moments, when I am stressed out or stretched thin or when my very last button has been pushed, awareness can feel like yet another demand on my strained multitasker, even though I know better. Life unfolds only one moment at a time, whether or not you're paying careful attention. And, as the Kabat-Zinns remind us, "Such moments count. They add up to a childhood, and a life."
Catherine Newman- Wondertime Magazine

Wednesday, May 31, 2006


There Are Few Shows that transport you into another brilliant world like Everwood does. I am a big fan, love the actors, the writers... the set!! (Of course!! I'm a Utahn) But I have never watched a show, and begged in silent prayer that the episode never end. I am so touched by the cast, the stories, the heart and warmth Everwood portrays. Humor, real life, real irony mixed with beautiful scenery; sometimes I can't believe that this is just a story, and that they are only actors.
It is the Series Finale this Monday. I am heartbroken that this show will not go on forever.
I will really miss this show. I will be buying the season DVD's and will watch them as often as I need an escape, when I want to be touched emotionally, when I want a good cry.
Here are some quotes from the show:

Dear Valentine
by Dr. Andrew Brown
Dear Valentine, come away with me. If I had a day with you and you only, I would enjoy the simple things. The things that bring joy to the drudgery and the mundane, the things that, in the end, when time steals the rest away, are the only things we'll remember. I would paddle you across a still lake in a rowboat and read poetry to you until you fell asleep, and I would never ever think about the hours. Dear Valentine, if I had one day with you and you only, I would admire every line of your face, every strand of your hair, every graceful movement of your hands or your eyes or your body. If I had one perfect day. Don't you see, my heart beats only for you? Dear Valentine, these are the things I remember, my love... A warm hand, your warm breath, your warm mouth, your arms around mine. I remember feeling safe, ceaseless, like one person, the two of us, still, at rest, entwined. I remember how I felt the first time I kissed you. It felt like... the high dive. What do you remember? How will I ever know what was inside your heart? Where do they go, all the things we think and feel but don't say? Dear Valentine, these are the things I never told you, these are the things I need you to know... that I loved you always, and my love was so big, it lives still after you're gone. I'd like to tell you that I would do it differently, that if I had one more day I would do everything right. But I know that not to be true. I'd make all the same mistakes. That is, except one... I wouldn't say good-bye.

My Tragic Flaw
by Ephram Brown
The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change. I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... It feels better somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be waiting out there. Chances are it could be even worse. So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone... Except maybe yourself a little. When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really, really close. Which, thank God, they never do. But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever... that you'll never have to change again.

Princeton Essay, Written By Ephram
Tell us about yourself in such a way that we will have a good sense of who you are; 500 words.
I wish you would've asked me that two years ago. I could've told you exactly who I was, who I'd be. Two years ago I knew it all and the thing is, I was right. Plans are like candy to the Fates. The only thing you could ever be sure of is nothing ever goes the way you imagined. I should probably be used to that by now. The thing is you can never tell when everything you counted on might fall apart – no matter how solid the rock. Rocks break. Everything changes, even when you think you’re sure, especially. To be fair, if I was one of the Fates looking down at the best laid plans of dumb little people, I'd probably see mine and want to mess with them too. You want to know about me in 500 words? I get scared sometimes and disappointed. I have doubts and I love getting my way. I don’t like change, but I know it's good for me and inevitable so I welcome it as best I can. There’s a poem by Johann Franck that says it better than I will. "Defy the old dragon, defy fear. The world may rage and quake but I shall remain singing in perfect peace." Yeah, things happen – things you don’t expect – or want or like. The world rages and you become someone you didn’t know you’d ever be. And there you are, in your clothes, in your life, this is my future, this is me. This is me and I want things I never thought I would. I want the possibilities a school like Princeton can afford. A place to grow, meet new people. A place to be surprised when life turns out to be nothing like I imagined. You have to be grateful for it – in perfect peace.

My Dearest Ephram, Written By his Mother
This letter from Julia to her son was written on the inside cover of the book that would serve as Ephram's graduation gift. The book was called "Oh, The Places You'll Go!" and was written by Dr. Suess. The episode goes by the same name.
My Dearest Ephram, I've been sitting in our kitchen for the last half hour simply imagining you. Wondering what you must be thinking right now. What you must be feeling. How handsome you must look in your cap and gown. If you're thinking about me...stop. Send a kiss to the sky, and then focus your thoughts on what's coming towards you, not what you left behind. I am forever entwined in your past, your present, and your future. You needn't pause to look for me. I'm right here. If you're feeling frightened about what comes next...don't. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness, don't waste time with regret. Spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes, because you'll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up, and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart...where your hope lives. You'll find your way again. Love, Mom

Thursday, May 11, 2006

What if Cars Ran on Kool-aid?

I am wondering if the envoirnmentalists have forgotten who the dominant species is on this planet? Is it the Caribou or is it we Humans? Trying to protect Alaska, and Canada and it's vast snowy nothingness is silly when we as a human race are at odds over fuel pipelines in hostile countries. All of this is happening when we have more than enough fuel for our own needs for 100's of years right under our own feet. It is said that Utah alone has enough oil shale to provide fuel for an estimated 30 years for the whole US of A. HELLO?!?!? Get off your propoganda and your self serving polotics and think about your fellow human beings and our needs as a society. Do we need war and terrorism to try bargain with evil dictators? Is that good for us as a human race? Hello? Nuclear missles? Is that better for us? Or is it better to relocate and providing care for some displaced deer so we can continue as a society, not end abruptly as a nuked hole in the ground.
The following is an exerpt from an article I found in The Week , called "Gas Prices: Is Congress Stupid?"
"All of us better wise up, said Thomas Friedman in The New Yourk Times. "The recent price spike is just a symptom of our dangerous dependeny on foreign oil, and the cure isn't shaving a quarter or so off the per-gallon price. Through our national fleet of gas guzzlers, Americans are sending tens of billions of dollars to Islamic states every year. That's right: We are financing both sides in the War on Terrorism." Other "petro-authoritarian" countries- including Iran, Venezuela, Nigeria, Russia, and Sudan- are using oil money to bolster their repressive regimes, and blackmail any nation that dares object. At the same time, China's and India's booming economies are ratcheting up world-wide demand- and prices-for oil. This energy crisis, unlike the short-lived gas shortages of the 1970's, isn't going away on its own. Yet the Bush administration sails blithely on, "refusing to ask the American people to do anything hard to put American on a dfferent energy course."
"So bring on the high prices, said James Klurfeld in Newsday. "Only when Americans feel real pain for what they pay for gas will this country take energy conservation seriously, and devote serious resources to developing ethanol, hydrogen, and other alternative energies. "There are no easy answers, and no quick answers, " said Jay Bookman in the Atlanta Journal-Copnstitustion. "But it's no accident that the major challenges confronting this coutry- from global warming to soaring oil prices to our military predicaments in Iran and Iraq- all have oil and energy as their common element." How we respond to those challenges will define the 21st century.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Talk Show Hostest with the Mostest

I used to be a closet Dr. Laura Fan. Well No MORE!! I am out of the closet and here to tell you that she is just brilliant. I love that she speaks her mind and doesn't let people get away with crap. She HAS to be "harsh" to get her point across to people in need; in such a little time frame. She doesn't like or accept Psyco-babble. She has no sympathy for pathetic excuses. She makes me want to stand up for what I believe in as well. She makes me a better person each time I listen to her. She is conservative, pro-stay-at-home-mom, pro-life, pro-military, pro-values!
Hating Dr. Laura (An Appreciative Essay)
Hating Dr. Laura is a prerequisite for Americans shaped by the country's me-first culture. For them, kicking around the popular radio host is almost as much fun as abusing the President. But what exactly do they hate? First, they hate the way Dr. Laura holds people responsible for their own choices-even ones made when they were young and stupid. Especially irksome is that irritating observation frequently put to disgruntled wives: "You picked him." They hate the way the nation's designated nag rejects convenient "I don't know" answers and expects callers to face up to facts they'd rather forget. They hate it when she downplays the importance of feelings and places moral obligation on a higher plain than emotion. They hate it when Dr. Laura makes people feel bad about doing bad things. They hate it when she turns the expectations table and asks dissatisfied callers, "How would you like to come home to you every day?"-a query inevitably followed by an extended period of silence. They hate it when the daily dispenser of hardcore compassion responds to "It's so hard" whiners with the callous retort, "So what?" They hate her for destroying the illusion that there's an easy way to do difficult things-for not pretending that a pill or a slick technique can undo messes and avoid hurt feelings. They hate the fact that Dr. Laura uses the term "shack-up" for relationships where couples don't pledge to stay together "in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live"-as if their unwillingness to publicly express their commitment to each other implies a lack of commitment. They hate it when the impertinent shrinklette says, "At least a prostitute gets paid!" They hate the fact that Dr. Laura puts the lives of children above the sex lives of adults-and that she has the temerity to suggest staying together for the sake of the kids. They hate it when she looks at custody arrangements through the eyes of children and asks parents to imagine how their offspring feel about being shuffled back and forth and "crammed"-not "blended"-into his, hers, and ours families. They hate that Dr. Laura dismisses the adult-centered excuse, "Kids adapt," and has the gall to say that mothers who don't want to raise their children shouldn't have them. They especially hate it when she condenses current legal reasoning on the subject of abortion into a simple, morally indefensible proposition: "If she wants it, it's a baby. If she doesn't, it's not." They hate when she says "Hoooah"-as if soldiers make the world a better place. And they hate it when she says, "Do the right thing,"-as if most actions aren't gloriously gray. Most of all they hate it when, having turned off the radio in disgust, a barely perceptible but persistent voice keeps whispering in their ears: "You know, don't you, that what Dr. Laura just said, is right?"

Tuesday, May 9, 2006

A Prescription for Happiness

I am a full supporter of individuals with true problems in this arena; depression, ADD, anxiety & OCD. I have experience with many very close friends and family members who are affected by one or more of these. I wonder though, if Doctors have been taken advantage of? Is medication at all necessicary for those who are just seeking comfort from this difficult world. These medications are a last resort after all other options have been exausted; not a quick fix for common hardship.
"Every day unhappiness is not a disease. Yet modern medicine now treats it as one. The same drugs designed to relieve major clinical depression are now being prescribed for people who simply complain of dissatisfaction with their lives. One recent study found that two out of three people reporting mild depression to thier doctors are now taking Prozac, Zoloft, or one of the other common antideprewssants. And it's no longer just psychiatrists who are handing out these happiness pills like candy; Primary care doctor are writing 75 percent of the prescriptions for antidepressants, most of them, presumably to patients who do not need psychiatric care. No suprise, then, that the number of people taking thest drugs has doubled since 1998.
"This quiet revolution suggests an entirely new wiew of the human condition, in which happiness is supposted to be a permanant condition, instead of a scarce, transitory, and hard-won victory in a difficult world."
The Philadeolpia Inquirer

Sunday, May 7, 2006

Impatient Crow's Feet

A hard thing for me to accept is, as always, my impatience with my son Nathans' lack of focus.
I'm normally very patient, especially with my sensitive guy with the heart big as all tarnation. But with this one thing this repitition, nagging, begging on my part to get him to focus!!!!..... it triggers a particular undesireable response in me and this begats a kind of guilty implicatedness. This fact of his predictable non-focusing suggests to me that I'm just too irritable. Which makes me more irritable.
While I wait "patiently" for him to finish his 40-55 minute shower, or the 5th time I've asked him to brush his teeth, or where the heck, for the Bazillionth time, he has he stashed his glasses?!?!?; I find exasperatingly myself rolling my eyes to no one imparticular, (He Hum) I noticed the scowl lines between my eyebrows — more screeching tarodactyl tallons than crow's feet — and I was filled with a longing to change.

Saturday, May 6, 2006


I just had a conversation with a new friend of mine, she was telling the real reason her hubby hasn't agreed to go out with us yet; was because her hubby is shy , and is less than enthusiastic about going out. period. He just wants to spend time alone with her. I'm not hurt, like she may assume, because I totally get that.
This reminds me of a time when this was the norm for Kevin and I as well. For the first 5 years of our marriage he didn't really want to socialize with others. I thought he was just shy, which he was a bit, but I also think it was because we were enjoying quite a long honeymoon period :) But to be honest we felt like we didn't NEED any others around. We entertained ourselves quite nicely and didn't find we were missing anything. But after some time and a lot of convincing, (I mean it IS healthy to interact with others) we started having couples over and found we liked the new experience after all. Even if we REALLY didn't want to at first, we tried it, and in the end we had a great time and wanted to do go out again. Now, we STILL like to be hermit-ish quite often, but we are much more likely now to invite others into our little lives. Be it over for dinner, games, out to a show, or out for a walk. It's nice to share our lives and see what we have in common with others. Kevin actually looks forward to having other friends to interact with, and suggests dates and activities and askes me to call others ( You're nuts if you thing HE would ever call all by his big-boy self :)
Kev said to me once that he realized he likes seeing me around other people. He forgets how fun and witty I can be in a crowd. AND it's nice to see that other people find me interesting and enjoy my company like he does, it makes him appreciate me even more when there are others around. It also gives us oppurtunity for improvement and for healthy comparisons... if we like how another couple behaves towards eachother, then we have good examples to help launch any improvements necessary to our situation, and the opposite is true (I hope I NEVER treat you like ...such and such) It's almost a check and balance system. And we get to have new experiences as a couple.
As a bonus: it increases our useless trivia knowledge and our skills in board gaming and charades teamwork!!
And just think, all of this comes about from one night of friends over!
And Now you're too intimidated to hang out with us :)
Okay, I tell you this only to share what I learned. We're not judgmental, just reflective.

Monday, May 1, 2006

Negativity + Isolation = Depression

Depression. Being down, being sad and upset. It's tricky. Especially when someone you love is under it's spell. It is like a spell, because, it seems that no matter you do, you cannot break from it's clutches.
Things are good with us. Or were... It's amazing how, when you're partner is not sharing your attitude; you are alienated from them. Or will unknowingly drag you down into their vortex of doom and gloom if you're not careful. It's difficult to be sensitive to their mood and careful of your own at the same time.
It just seems like out of nowhere: Hubby's irrationally upset. Certian things will happen to either start this cycle and/or continue it. That is; low. or no money. ... could be....well.... Actually, it does all come down to that one thing. So many things revolve around money. Things you want. Things you cant get right now. Success. Fun; fun costs money.
Well, dangit if we aren't in the best darned position we can be in right now; financially, I mean.... Kevin is going to school full time (totally exciting!!) , I only have to work 4 days a week (Yea!), we have 2 working cars, 2 wonderful sweet boys who are either with one of us or with my mom at all times while we work (Thank goodness!), we're in a beautiful home (It has EVERYTHING we need)... We have a GREAT relationship, I am SO happy with us, we're best friends, we have a great time together. I mean, what else can two individuals ask for?
Of course, while depressed one hubby will see all those things another way and say, "Well, we're over 30 (barely) , Neither of us has a degree, Neither of us is making good money, Both of us have to work, and we have 2 kids that have (This or that issue ) and don't have their mom at home all the time, we have 2 cars that will break down any minute now, and we don't own our own home. "
Geez. It's amazing how a doom and gloom perspective can ruin all my favorite blessings. When he's like this, he will isolate himself, and I lose my best friend. And my husband. Then I'M all alone. I have NO idea how to pull him out of this. I never have. I can help ANYONE else out of their sad place. (I'm an excellent listener, and when asked, I give, careful, insightful and reflective advice) But not for my own husband. And, admitidly, that makes ME depressed. My real genuine concern is for him. I am fine. I just want him happy again. I know he will be soon, but how do I make this happen for him?
Is this the difference between a positive glass is half-full person vs. a "negitive" person, or is it just comparing one depressed person to one whom is not?
He is mine. My rock when I need him. Always giving me love and support and help whenever I need it. He completes me. Rational when I am not. Calm when I am upset. And usually this is switched when he needs me to calm him. But not for this. Never for this. I want to pull him out of this isolated place, and fix it all for him. And the fact that I cannot ..... is, well, devistating to me.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Create your own result

I am reminded of a saying "Don't compain if you choose not to learn from your mistakes"
Well, it just means when people say "No matter what I do, I just can't get ahead" I know that in reality, they are just. not. learning. Not trying something new, or something else. They're just doing the same old thing, and then hoping for a different result.
I like to compare it to gravity. It doesn't change anytime, no matter what you throw at it.
If you're tired of not having money; learn to give some away...Sounds crazy, but when you open your hands and give, you open your heart to more oppurtunities for growth and blessings.
Don't wait for others to find you, put yourself out there! Learn new skills, become more interesting. Get educated; become more valuable, make youself irresistable. Make an effort. Don't wait for things to fall into your lap. Things rarely do.
You have the power to climb out of the rutt you're in.

Tuesday, April 4, 2006

And you need a helping hand...

When you are holed up inside yourself. Upset, depressed; Distract yourself. Don't wallow in the negative, dont complain, dont write in your journal, it all breeds more negitivity. Find a positive influence in you life. Find A person that won't justify your unhealthy attitude for you, find one who will help you up and out of it. Laughter. "Laughter is the best medicine. " It makes everything better.
Laugh at yourself. You are human. That realization gives you the permission to feel okay about dumb mistakes you've made.
No one likes perfect people. I wouldn't know what to say to somebody like that. We pick the puppy with the bent ear. It's much cuter than the other ones.
Talk to someone!! We jump at the oppurtunity to make someone else feel better about their mistakes. It's our nature to want to reach out and help someone who goofed. And it makes us feel releaved to find someone who goofed as bad as we did (or do) so often.
Do something for someone else. Focus outside yourself. Generosity kills selfishness. And that's what all self destructive behavior is; selfish. Thinking about it. It's all about "me." Religion is good for this point. It gives you something other than yourself to focus on, and it shows you that God is there, and he loves you inspite of those mistakes He knew you would make. It teaches you to love your neighbor, improve yourself, and help others.
Let your pain go. And find yourself in a new challenge. Build your self esteem learning to do something new. And do something for someone else. Learn to make some christmas gifts! Learn to paint and give it away. Write poems about you're favorite person and send them. Making someone else happy is contagious.
Good luck to you!! And remember that God loves you!!

Sunday, April 2, 2006

The Toddler

It's all about growing independence and strong will; still padded in rosy baby fat and sweetened with love and kisses.
A perpetual mystery of toddlerhood is the fact that when I look at the clock ready to leave the house, it's 8:35, and then when I look at the clock again in the car before I pull away, it's 8:56; I suspect Cameron has something to do with time warping.
Cameron runs everywhere on his happy baby legs. He jumps up and down for no reason, like a joyful little spring that still supposes he should hold onto the floor with one toe.
Why does his food plate always end up on his head? And why then, do I laugh, and kind of wait to watch it happen....again.... and not care about the mess? So much for positive reinforcement. Does this mean that I am growing as a mom? I'm learing to let go of controlled perfection?
There is NO controlling this toddler, one can only mildly suggest in the sneakiest most manipulitive way possible. For only with manipulation can you fight manipulation.
And only with bribery can you distract a toddler.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Lovin' My Earthly Existence

I am happy. Content really. There's not been much contentment in my life (my own fault) till this last 6 months or so. I am happy with my marriage. So happy. We are in a groove of mutual respect, consideration, and equal parts attraction; it's so reassuring, and heavenly.
I am so adore my boys. Nathan and Cameron. Nathan is 10, his soul is sweet and kind. Always caring about me and his brother. Always able to entertain himself, low maintainance, loves reading and legos, he's quiet and reflective. Cameron however, will be a force to reaconed with; he's 18 months, going on terrible twos. He cracks me up. He's so sweet though, just inquisitive and very clever. Not talking much yet, but he doesn't have to. He's got it all figured out on how to get what he wants anytime anyway, he's very determined. But this is all SO fun for me. I'm exausted; but entertained nontheless.
I like my job situation. It'll work for now. I'm happy in an easy, low stress position that pays really well for a night job. It provides me with a social life, and girl talk. I'm happy with my hobbies. I just got done doing a musical, had a pretty good part, got to improve my vocal and acting skills a bit. I learned a lot, and met a great bunch of people. Networked a bit, etc. Always good for the self esteem.
Things are good. I'm not overdrawn in the bank account. Kevin's in school and handling that and work beautifully. I wish I had more time with the boys, or to cook, or to read etc... but who doesen't want more time? Yes. Things are very good.
-disclaimer: I realize that most likely, ironicly, because I stopped to express my joy at all the blessings in my life; things will come crashing down all around me. Soon....very soon. (deep, evil laughter Wwwwwwooooooohhhhhhhaaaaaahhhhhaaaaahhhaaaaaa)

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Friend for Life

We have a good friend staying with us this week from Chicago. I hope he'll forgive us for the chaotic week we have had. Really, we haven't had much time to spend with him; with Hubby starting school (yea!) , my play every night, and hubby's parents in town (obligating us to spend time with them... It'd be fine if they came another week, but they wanted to see my play too! My 10 year old is in it also) , and with our 18 month old, we really can't do much else than hang out at home, it's freezing! ... or go shopping (....ick....) He and Hubby did get to go skiing, but the first day they tried; the canyon was closed due to bad weather, so they had to turn around and come back home. On top of that; the poor guy got the stomach flu from us while he was here and was sick for a couple of days, and then his computer went wacko. How super lame. After this bumber of a trip, I fear he will not want to see us again...ever.
But really, he's not that petty. And he's incredably forgiving.
I've been reflecting on how awesome this guy really is; I wish you all out there a good friend like this one; He'll make a great hubby someday. I hope he'll find someone who adores him, never takes him for granted, and takes great care of him.
He and hubby have been friends forever; through thick and thin; He's smart, SO smart. Resorceful. Incredably motivated. Sweet, caring... great with kids. He's a loyal friend. Totally low maintainance. He's happy to just hang with us, eat dinner, sit and talk. No pressure. He'll forgive us for this lousy vacation. I could list ALL his talents here, but I wouldn't do them justice; nor, I'm sure, do I know them ALL. But! He's creative, and artistic, and can create amazing, original things; furnature, costumes, personalized dvd's ie; he's a videographer for weddings, dabbles in stop anamation and other creative stuff, he also does video collages complete with amazing menu's and dvd covers, portraits, pencil drawings, new inventions, photography & he could do anything in this arena really. He also knows a lot about computers and software. For work he is a graphic designer and creates original logo's, brochures, advertisements, posters; anything they need really. He has a degree in graphic design, AND archetecture. Wow huh?
We would like more than anything to have him here in Utah with us. I think he would find happiness here. Maybe even find himself a good woman to take care of him. But she better love him like we do. Better even? Is that possible? I'm not sure. :) We'll miss him terribly until he gets out here. Then we'll shower him with love and attention when he finally arrives. Is that, and our eternal friendship, and the prospect of a brand new and exciting life in the beautiful Northern Rocky Mountains and all the perks that come with living in a beautiful setting; a short drive from all kinds of outdoor activities, kayaking, mountain biking, skiiing, rock climbing, (shameless plug) going to be enough for him? Wish us luck!!

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Script for Teenage Trouble

Saving your teenager from themselves; Self Destructive behavior is something kids don't see as harmful, either to their morals, their health, or their well-being in general/ here is a conversation I found that offers some good explaination to your kids as why we do what we do to protect them:
"You're my son/daughter, and I love you. I want you to love me, but that's secondary to my job as your parent, which is to get you through these years without hurting yourself. Don't underestimate my resolve. If you think for a second that I'm willing to believe "Everybody's doing it" and let you pursue this behaviour, you're wrong. I want you to have fun, freedom and the opprtunity to find youself, but I'm setting up narrow boundries and tall fences to contain you until you prove you won't violate these privileges. You can like me or not-my job is to do for you what you're not doing for yourself. I will never accept these self-descructive behaviours, so let's make a plan we can both be excited about."

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Fierce Independance

Coming from a young widow's home I consequently dont remember much interaction between my parents. My other influences, sadly, were only snippets of say, boyfriends' parents'; which were neurotic at best. I do recall one pathetic example of a best friend's drunken, leering stepdad, the mom yelled and nagged constantly and was sarcastic and disrespectful to all. Seemed like everyone in that house had their own kind of contempt for eachother (including the spouses.)
So. My own view of healthy marriage relations were at best tainted.
I did have grandparents whom were halarious to watch, they were respectful, loving, constantly teasing eachother good-naturedly. They had some kind of unspoken mutual truce or secret shared by little winks at eachother. But after 50 years, you wonder how it all starts and how it evolved.
As a person, I am compassionate and very very sensitive to others' needs. I am extremely forgiving. And I forget easily. (This particular trait is extremely advantageous to my husband. ) Let me tell I'll let this one go for now.
These traits, consequently, have been excellent for our marriage. Can you imagine what happens to a partnership when the opposite of these traits are applied?
My point is not to brag. Trust me. (I'm humble too :) But to point out that even that is not enough. I am learning through research and reflection that there is much more to me that gets in the way of a happy, c0ntent relationship.
Such as; Independance. My mom was a young widow. So, consequently, I was the surrogate mother to my sibs; had two jobs in highschool; payed for my own clothes, car, fun etc; found my own way, did my own thing, basically.
I also watched as my mom did it all; worked full time 50 hours per week. Had innumberable hobbies, had multiple time consuming jobs in our church, fixed things when they broke, solved all problems; She was her own revolving self supportive world of endless resources.
So. I saw feminism at it's best. Though mind you, it wasn't her choice or by any means her plan; she just had to take the reigns and do it. "I can do anything, I don't need anyone, watch me go, oh, and get out of my way."
To her credit the "I don't need anyone" Thing, didnt' refer to her lack of a man status. She chose to focus on us and her responsibilities, not her personal needs, or desires for companionship, this would've added an element of drama for us kids that we did not need. Bless her. It just means " I can do this for my kids, get out of the way if you think I cant"
A Feminism mentality with a fierce sence of independance is not the best combination for a healthy marriage. Sharing, cooperating, cohabitation, staying at home with kids, relying on someone else??? These are traits that were foreign to me. Even with the afore mentioned positives going for me. I still had quite the adjustment period.
I think I just took over when I got married. I wasn't 100% sure things were going to work out at all. So I made them work. I didn't sit back and let things happen. I had them happen. I think my hubbie needed some pushing and encouragement to succeed ...while I would take none. I could do everything on my own.
Now, as married persons. we were 19. Not exactly the age of maturity. And you know women; 2 years more mature emotionally than men at that age. So, this was quite an adjustment for us both and I just went with what I knew. I was mature for my age. Hubby was really not. I'm being honest. not funny here.
I think my man told me a few times to stop and let him take care of things for once, let him help me. Ah oh....HELP ME??? IS HE HE NUTS??? Does he think I'm going to just sit back and fan myself while he gets all the glory? I don't think so honey. I will do it myself, take care of myself. Handle it myself. Finances, Jobs, child care, housework, social life, spiritual life, extended family. All of it. I will take care of it; and you, hubby, follow me and do what I say.
Now here's the clincher.... The question of my newly reformed life.....
Was I sabotauging hubby's chance to become the man he was destined to be? Would his maturation have been brought about earlier than it actually was if I had given him the oppurtunity to be the man of the house? More freedom to figure it out and grow on his own. Given him my trust, faith and, let's face it, the respect that he deserved?
After much pondering and reflection and more pondering, some reading and some more reflection I have concluded....
1. That I am not as heartless as I have made myself out here. I was only trying to take care of everyone at once with no malicious intent at all. I wanted love and peace and happiness. I just thought It was my job to make our lives perfect. To make us work, to bring harmony and order and perfection.
2. In my defense. He did have certian issues we had to address to ensure success. Issues of repeated unemployment, depression, attention deficit, low self esteem and a silver spoon complex to work through first. So there.
3. It took 7 years to battle through and "solve" these issues, that is another story. But we had to handle HIS stuff first before we could move forward at all. I just now have had time to deal with MY stuff. Now notice, I said I had to figure out MY issues myself; Hubby has never pointed out any of my faults. Never. I have to find them on my own. That makes him a much better person than me in this regard. He is so good to me.
4-I am certian that I am becoming a better person after these rehashing sessions of my past. I had a really hard time admitting I was wrong. Still do. But I'm better at it.....see growing every day!!
My conclusion is that the peaceful, respectful circumstances that he and I find ourselfs in now, could not have been forced to happen any quicker than they did. There were certians steps that had to happen sequencially: A huge fallout. A recognitian of what could be lost. A certian surrender and total commitment later...and after way too long; A perfect token of dedication and trust. And then the acting on these principles every day; Never taking eachother for granted. Never blaming, never taking unrelated things out on eachother, never punishing, never disrespecting eachother. Never. Always love, always affection, always support. Always.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Take a Break from Yourself

Believe me, I would like nothing more than to take a break from myself; check into the all-inclusive resort of somebody else's tranquil mind, maybe sip a few Dr Pepper's around the pool. Many of you keep diaries or blogs yourself, and so you understand how, in this particular moment in life, we're working and/or raising our children, arguing with and/or adoring our spouses, remembering and forgetting all we have to be grateful for, and there may just not be that much to say. And yet we can't stop saying it.
I mention this today because of ye olde division of labor with my spousal componant. I went on and on like a terrible screeching train that you just keep watching, and you're waiting for it to end, but there are always more and more cars behind the one you assumed had to finally be the caboose. I groaned and raged and wept and gesticulated wildly with my hands, and woe is me, and aargh, and when, at long last, there was a moment of silence, stained as it was with all of the venomous yuck still hanging in the air around my horrible ungrateful person, He nodded and said, "Okay. I'll try to dust more." Which is a good start, no? But I don't really want him to dust more. I want him to pull me into his arms at the end of the day, look me in the eyes, and say, "Love of my life, I can't believe how much you do." It's so stupid — I mean, all of us are doing so much, and he is so selfless and lovely, and I know he appreciates me. I love my life so passionately. But I'm just such a big crybaby right now.
Ben and Birdy-

Sunday, January 1, 2006

Goals? Nah!

I've always wondered why I HATE, I mean HATE writing goals down. For awhile, I thought it was because I am afraid of dissapointment. Nah, That's not it, I'm not afraid of anything really. I just thought goals were cheesy. Lame even. Seems to me that you can't plan anything. I learned this at an early age.
Example: I wanted to be a violin prodigy, then I broke all 4 fingers on my left hand. Whoops. 12 weeks of healing means no violin prodigy. Actually my instructor refused to help me catch up and we couldn't afford private lessons... But that was another story.
K, I'll think of a better example in a minute. Oh, Okay here's one. -I wanted to be a Radiology Tech. After much hard work and blah blah blah ...Weber didn't accept me into the program, I had a 3.85 GPA! (Demanding program. Never enough openings.) I am a good person! A hard worker!! They didn't have a waiting list; if that was my GOAL. I woulve wasted my life on trying to get into that program every year for....who knows how long? I had to let that one go. Temporarily maybe, maybe I'll go for it again someday, but it wasn't in my best interest to obsess over it. I had to move on.
So. The key to happiness lies in checking out the detours and backroads, wihout fear of changing course. Road maps for life might lead to material gain, but there's a good chance that if you follow them unquestioningly, you'll lose yourself.
It's my opinion that the most fulfilled people were also the most spontaneous and the least goal oriented. Those that took a risk, that tried something new, that just did it! Yea for them that took risks, that went against their parent's expectations. How many rebels out there that influenced the generations planned on being rebels?
"If you want to be happy and sucessful in the broadest sense; I suggest you take your nifty five-year-plan and your lifetime to-do list and throw them out the window. And while you're at it, get some air."
As I do some reasearch, I find that the most fulfilled people were also the most spontaneous and the least goal oriented. HA!
If you're good at setting goals and acheiving them and you're still not happy, check this out;
Whose goal is it anyway? Most people's goals aren't their own. They tend to be driven by society and family pressure.
When you focus on a goal, you put blinders on. You lose your peripheral vision and miss out on all the great opportunities around you.
You're always living for the future. You end up saying, "I'll be happy when..." You sacrifice today in the hopes that something wonderful is going to happen tomorrow, But it almost never does. That's what happens with goals; You're constantly chasing them. False Summits. You mountian climbers understand this idea.
You're courting faliure. You become attached to one outcome. and even of you get it, reality seldom matches the dream and all it's Technicolor splendor.
K- here's the wrap up -
Goal-Free Living isn't about being aimless or saying, "Oh, this is getting tough. I've got to stop; It's about being passion driven in the moment, while knowing you can change course, It's also about getting out, playing and trying lots of new things; you can't find out what you love to do by sitting and thinking about it, you must experience it.
Life is uppredictable, go give up control; Create many paths and play hard.
And that, if you'll excuse me, sounds like a worthy goal.