The Toddler

It's all about growing independence and strong will; still padded in rosy baby fat and sweetened with love and kisses.
A perpetual mystery of toddlerhood is the fact that when I look at the clock ready to leave the house, it's 8:35, and then when I look at the clock again in the car before I pull away, it's 8:56; I suspect Cameron has something to do with time warping.
Cameron runs everywhere on his happy baby legs. He jumps up and down for no reason, like a joyful little spring that still supposes he should hold onto the floor with one toe.
Why does his food plate always end up on his head? And why then, do I laugh, and kind of wait to watch it happen....again.... and not care about the mess? So much for positive reinforcement. Does this mean that I am growing as a mom? I'm learing to let go of controlled perfection?
There is NO controlling this toddler, one can only mildly suggest in the sneakiest most manipulitive way possible. For only with manipulation can you fight manipulation.
And only with bribery can you distract a toddler.

Lovin' My Earthly Existence

I am happy. Content really. There's not been much contentment in my life (my own fault) till this last 6 months or so. I am happy with my marriage. So happy. We are in a groove of mutual respect, consideration, and equal parts attraction; it's so reassuring, and heavenly.
I am so adore my boys. Nathan and Cameron. Nathan is 10, his soul is sweet and kind. Always caring about me and his brother. Always able to entertain himself, low maintainance, loves reading and legos, he's quiet and reflective. Cameron however, will be a force to reaconed with; he's 18 months, going on terrible twos. He cracks me up. He's so sweet though, just inquisitive and very clever. Not talking much yet, but he doesn't have to. He's got it all figured out on how to get what he wants anytime anyway, he's very determined. But this is all SO fun for me. I'm exausted; but entertained nontheless.
I like my job situation. It'll work for now. I'm happy in an easy, low stress position that pays really well for a night job. It provides me with a social life, and girl talk. I'm happy with my hobbies. I just got done doing a musical, had a pretty good part, got to improve my vocal and acting skills a bit. I learned a lot, and met a great bunch of people. Networked a bit, etc. Always good for the self esteem.
Things are good. I'm not overdrawn in the bank account. Kevin's in school and handling that and work beautifully. I wish I had more time with the boys, or to cook, or to read etc... but who doesen't want more time? Yes. Things are very good.
-disclaimer: I realize that most likely, ironicly, because I stopped to express my joy at all the blessings in my life; things will come crashing down all around me. Soon....very soon. (deep, evil laughter Wwwwwwooooooohhhhhhhaaaaaahhhhhaaaaahhhaaaaaa)

Friend for Life

We have a good friend staying with us this week from Chicago. I hope he'll forgive us for the chaotic week we have had. Really, we haven't had much time to spend with him; with Hubby starting school (yea!) , my play every night, and hubby's parents in town (obligating us to spend time with them... It'd be fine if they came another week, but they wanted to see my play too! My 10 year old is in it also) , and with our 18 month old, we really can't do much else than hang out at home, it's freezing! ... or go shopping (....ick....) He and Hubby did get to go skiing, but the first day they tried; the canyon was closed due to bad weather, so they had to turn around and come back home. On top of that; the poor guy got the stomach flu from us while he was here and was sick for a couple of days, and then his computer went wacko. How super lame. After this bumber of a trip, I fear he will not want to see us again...ever.
But really, he's not that petty. And he's incredably forgiving.
I've been reflecting on how awesome this guy really is; I wish you all out there a good friend like this one; He'll make a great hubby someday. I hope he'll find someone who adores him, never takes him for granted, and takes great care of him.
He and hubby have been friends forever; through thick and thin; He's smart, SO smart. Resorceful. Incredably motivated. Sweet, caring... great with kids. He's a loyal friend. Totally low maintainance. He's happy to just hang with us, eat dinner, sit and talk. No pressure. He'll forgive us for this lousy vacation. I could list ALL his talents here, but I wouldn't do them justice; nor, I'm sure, do I know them ALL. But! He's creative, and artistic, and can create amazing, original things; furnature, costumes, personalized dvd's ie; he's a videographer for weddings, dabbles in stop anamation and other creative stuff, he also does video collages complete with amazing menu's and dvd covers, portraits, pencil drawings, new inventions, photography & he could do anything in this arena really. He also knows a lot about computers and software. For work he is a graphic designer and creates original logo's, brochures, advertisements, posters; anything they need really. He has a degree in graphic design, AND archetecture. Wow huh?
We would like more than anything to have him here in Utah with us. I think he would find happiness here. Maybe even find himself a good woman to take care of him. But she better love him like we do. Better even? Is that possible? I'm not sure. :) We'll miss him terribly until he gets out here. Then we'll shower him with love and attention when he finally arrives. Is that, and our eternal friendship, and the prospect of a brand new and exciting life in the beautiful Northern Rocky Mountains and all the perks that come with living in a beautiful setting; a short drive from all kinds of outdoor activities, kayaking, mountain biking, skiiing, rock climbing, (shameless plug) going to be enough for him? Wish us luck!!

Script for Teenage Trouble

Saving your teenager from themselves; Self Destructive behavior is something kids don't see as harmful, either to their morals, their health, or their well-being in general/ here is a conversation I found that offers some good explaination to your kids as why we do what we do to protect them:
"You're my son/daughter, and I love you. I want you to love me, but that's secondary to my job as your parent, which is to get you through these years without hurting yourself. Don't underestimate my resolve. If you think for a second that I'm willing to believe "Everybody's doing it" and let you pursue this behaviour, you're wrong. I want you to have fun, freedom and the opprtunity to find youself, but I'm setting up narrow boundries and tall fences to contain you until you prove you won't violate these privileges. You can like me or not-my job is to do for you what you're not doing for yourself. I will never accept these self-descructive behaviours, so let's make a plan we can both be excited about."

Fierce Independance

Coming from a young widow's home I consequently dont remember much interaction between my parents. My other influences, sadly, were only snippets of say, boyfriends' parents'; which were neurotic at best. I do recall one pathetic example of a best friend's drunken, leering stepdad, the mom yelled and nagged constantly and was sarcastic and disrespectful to all. Seemed like everyone in that house had their own kind of contempt for eachother (including the spouses.)
So. My own view of healthy marriage relations were at best tainted.
I did have grandparents whom were halarious to watch, they were respectful, loving, constantly teasing eachother good-naturedly. They had some kind of unspoken mutual truce or secret shared by little winks at eachother. But after 50 years, you wonder how it all starts and how it evolved.
As a person, I am compassionate and very very sensitive to others' needs. I am extremely forgiving. And I forget easily. (This particular trait is extremely advantageous to my husband. ) Let me tell you.....na. I'll let this one go for now.
These traits, consequently, have been excellent for our marriage. Can you imagine what happens to a partnership when the opposite of these traits are applied?
My point is not to brag. Trust me. (I'm humble too :) But to point out that even that is not enough. I am learning through research and reflection that there is much more to me that gets in the way of a happy, c0ntent relationship.
Such as; Independance. My mom was a young widow. So, consequently, I was the surrogate mother to my sibs; had two jobs in highschool; payed for my own clothes, car, fun etc; found my own way, did my own thing, basically.
I also watched as my mom did it all; worked full time 50 hours per week. Had innumberable hobbies, had multiple time consuming jobs in our church, fixed things when they broke, solved all problems; She was her own revolving self supportive world of endless resources.
So. I saw feminism at it's best. Though mind you, it wasn't her choice or by any means her plan; she just had to take the reigns and do it. "I can do anything, I don't need anyone, watch me go, oh, and get out of my way."
To her credit the "I don't need anyone" Thing, didnt' refer to her lack of a man status. She chose to focus on us and her responsibilities, not her personal needs, or desires for companionship, this would've added an element of drama for us kids that we did not need. Bless her. It just means " I can do this for my kids, get out of the way if you think I cant"
A Feminism mentality with a fierce sence of independance is not the best combination for a healthy marriage. Sharing, cooperating, cohabitation, staying at home with kids, relying on someone else??? These are traits that were foreign to me. Even with the afore mentioned positives going for me. I still had quite the adjustment period.
I think I just took over when I got married. I wasn't 100% sure things were going to work out at all. So I made them work. I didn't sit back and let things happen. I had them happen. I think my hubbie needed some pushing and encouragement to succeed ...while I would take none. I could do everything on my own.
Now, as married persons. we were 19. Not exactly the age of maturity. And you know women; 2 years more mature emotionally than men at that age. So, this was quite an adjustment for us both and I just went with what I knew. I was mature for my age. Hubby was really not. I'm being honest. not funny here.
I think my man told me a few times to stop and let him take care of things for once, let him help me. Ah oh....HELP ME??? IS HE HE NUTS??? Does he think I'm going to just sit back and fan myself while he gets all the glory? I don't think so honey. I will do it myself, take care of myself. Handle it myself. Finances, Jobs, child care, housework, social life, spiritual life, extended family. All of it. I will take care of it; and you, hubby, follow me and do what I say.
Now here's the clincher.... The question of my newly reformed life.....
Was I sabotauging hubby's chance to become the man he was destined to be? Would his maturation have been brought about earlier than it actually was if I had given him the oppurtunity to be the man of the house? More freedom to figure it out and grow on his own. Given him my trust, faith and, let's face it, the respect that he deserved?
After much pondering and reflection and more pondering, some reading and some more reflection I have concluded....
1. That I am not as heartless as I have made myself out here. I was only trying to take care of everyone at once with no malicious intent at all. I wanted love and peace and happiness. I just thought It was my job to make our lives perfect. To make us work, to bring harmony and order and perfection.
2. In my defense. He did have certian issues we had to address to ensure success. Issues of repeated unemployment, depression, attention deficit, low self esteem and a silver spoon complex to work through first. So there.
3. It took 7 years to battle through and "solve" these issues, that is another story. But we had to handle HIS stuff first before we could move forward at all. I just now have had time to deal with MY stuff. Now notice, I said I had to figure out MY issues myself; Hubby has never pointed out any of my faults. Never. I have to find them on my own. That makes him a much better person than me in this regard. He is so good to me.
4-I am certian that I am becoming a better person after these rehashing sessions of my past. I had a really hard time admitting I was wrong. Still do. But I'm better at it.....see growing every day!!
My conclusion is that the peaceful, respectful circumstances that he and I find ourselfs in now, could not have been forced to happen any quicker than they did. There were certians steps that had to happen sequencially: A huge fallout. A recognitian of what could be lost. A certian surrender and total commitment later...and after way too long; A perfect token of dedication and trust. And then the acting on these principles every day; Never taking eachother for granted. Never blaming, never taking unrelated things out on eachother, never punishing, never disrespecting eachother. Never. Always love, always affection, always support. Always.

Take a Break from Yourself

Believe me, I would like nothing more than to take a break from myself; check into the all-inclusive resort of somebody else's tranquil mind, maybe sip a few Dr Pepper's around the pool. Many of you keep diaries or blogs yourself, and so you understand how, in this particular moment in life, we're working and/or raising our children, arguing with and/or adoring our spouses, remembering and forgetting all we have to be grateful for, and there may just not be that much to say. And yet we can't stop saying it.
I mention this today because of ye olde division of labor with my spousal componant. I went on and on like a terrible screeching train that you just keep watching, and you're waiting for it to end, but there are always more and more cars behind the one you assumed had to finally be the caboose. I groaned and raged and wept and gesticulated wildly with my hands, and woe is me, and aargh, and when, at long last, there was a moment of silence, stained as it was with all of the venomous yuck still hanging in the air around my horrible ungrateful person, He nodded and said, "Okay. I'll try to dust more." Which is a good start, no? But I don't really want him to dust more. I want him to pull me into his arms at the end of the day, look me in the eyes, and say, "Love of my life, I can't believe how much you do." It's so stupid — I mean, all of us are doing so much, and he is so selfless and lovely, and I know he appreciates me. I love my life so passionately. But I'm just such a big crybaby right now.
Ben and Birdy- Babycenter.com

Goals? Nah!

I've always wondered why I HATE, I mean HATE writing goals down. For awhile, I thought it was because I am afraid of dissapointment. Nah, That's not it, I'm not afraid of anything really. I just thought goals were cheesy. Lame even. Seems to me that you can't plan anything. I learned this at an early age.
Example: I wanted to be a violin prodigy, then I broke all 4 fingers on my left hand. Whoops. 12 weeks of healing means no violin prodigy. Actually my instructor refused to help me catch up and we couldn't afford private lessons... But that was another story.
K, I'll think of a better example in a minute. Oh, Okay here's one. -I wanted to be a Radiology Tech. After much hard work and blah blah blah ...Weber didn't accept me into the program, I had a 3.85 GPA! (Demanding program. Never enough openings.) I am a good person! A hard worker!! They didn't have a waiting list; if that was my GOAL. I woulve wasted my life on trying to get into that program every year for....who knows how long? I had to let that one go. Temporarily maybe, maybe I'll go for it again someday, but it wasn't in my best interest to obsess over it. I had to move on.
So. The key to happiness lies in checking out the detours and backroads, wihout fear of changing course. Road maps for life might lead to material gain, but there's a good chance that if you follow them unquestioningly, you'll lose yourself.
It's my opinion that the most fulfilled people were also the most spontaneous and the least goal oriented. Those that took a risk, that tried something new, that just did it! Yea for them that took risks, that went against their parent's expectations. How many rebels out there that influenced the generations planned on being rebels?
"If you want to be happy and sucessful in the broadest sense; I suggest you take your nifty five-year-plan and your lifetime to-do list and throw them out the window. And while you're at it, get some air."
As I do some reasearch, I find that the most fulfilled people were also the most spontaneous and the least goal oriented. HA!
If you're good at setting goals and acheiving them and you're still not happy, check this out;
Whose goal is it anyway? Most people's goals aren't their own. They tend to be driven by society and family pressure.
When you focus on a goal, you put blinders on. You lose your peripheral vision and miss out on all the great opportunities around you.
You're always living for the future. You end up saying, "I'll be happy when..." You sacrifice today in the hopes that something wonderful is going to happen tomorrow, But it almost never does. That's what happens with goals; You're constantly chasing them. False Summits. You mountian climbers understand this idea.
You're courting faliure. You become attached to one outcome. and even of you get it, reality seldom matches the dream and all it's Technicolor splendor.
K- here's the wrap up -
Goal-Free Living isn't about being aimless or saying, "Oh, this is getting tough. I've got to stop; It's about being passion driven in the moment, while knowing you can change course, It's also about getting out, playing and trying lots of new things; you can't find out what you love to do by sitting and thinking about it, you must experience it.
Life is uppredictable, go give up control; Create many paths and play hard.
And that, if you'll excuse me, sounds like a worthy goal.

Taking a Stand on Holiday Stress

Women feel that they have to do everything!! - and that everybody would just as soon dump everything on them...and woe is me!! Not so. You can say no. AND you can distribute tasks. When you're spread too thin, then you, and consequently eveyrone around you suffers; doing less is good for your sanity and good for your own family.
Some women bring it all on themselves, to honestly, feel important. Wanting attention, you know, because their SO bogged down, with all their awful blessings! Sounds like a little envy preemption to me. Taking too much time trying to impress instead of taking care of what's important.
Confession: I have been guilty of this in the past.
I had to let a lot of things go this year; baking, scrapbooked or other homemade gifts, decorating, dinner parties, holiday outings, etc because I have a 14 month old who needs me and a 48 hour a week job and my husband and son's need my attention more than I need to get these unessicary extra things done. And it's okay. We may not get a tree up till New Years, but hey, my baby is not neglected. Yea me! This is a blessing that I will acknowledge, and not "loathe."

Love in the form of Torment

Sometimes I wonder whether I would've done this — become a parent — if I'd known. You know, Really KNOWN about this kind of love. Mostly, and obviously, I think: Of course. Don't be silly. But sometimes my love for these children feels almost like an affliction: Like my heart is within the fist of a beast, and I'm utterly helpless -and that love feeling will scare me, startle me as it bangs around inside my chest like a huge, flapping bird.

Teenage Angst

The plight of the Pre-teen
Is there a time when kids between the ages of 9 and 11 suddenly have their brains ooze out onto the concrete? Just walking down the street, home from school maybe, and blam! There it is, all kinds of brains, all over the driveway. It happened to me, and now it’s happening to my son. My sweet, gentle, adorable child who before last week, wouldn’t hurt a fly, and who got all choked up if you so much as looked at him the wrong way. But those days are gone. I wonder if there is any way to avoid this fight of hormones vs. brains, short of shipping all off the teenagers to (their own) deserted island somewhere. Suddenly I am faced with misbehavior, dumb choices, ignoring me, the oh so beautiful reaction we call “the rolling of the eyes,” the groundings, the sudden unexplained bouts of anger, the talking under the breath, the exasperated sighs! Nooooooo! Not my Boy! Take me instead!
And oh yeah....I know that I haven't seen anything yet....